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Summary from the Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data: No summary available in this book.
Notes/Excerpts:
First several pages start as entries on school, her ex-boyfriend and dieting. ‘Alice’ goes on and off diets, lost weight and, at 115 pounds, wants to lose more (anorexic?). Goes on a date with a boy her parents seem to like: “…once we were out in the car he was all hands (20).”
She goes to a party: “J. winked at me and said, ‘Tonight we’re playing ‘Button, Button, Who’s Got the Button?’ [drops of LSD are in some of the drinks]…Everyone sipped their drinks slowly…I began to feel something strange inside myself like a storm…palms of my hands were sweating…J. got up to close the window shades…my whole body was tense…weird apprehension swept over me, strangled me, suffocated me…B. tells her: ‘This will be a good trip. Come on, relax, enjoy it, enjoy it.’ I started laughing, wildly, hysterically…strange shifting patterns on the ceiling…the pattern changed to swirling colors…trains of thought started to appear…the perfect and true and original language, used by Adam and Eve…this wonderful and priceless and true thing…I was floating….began to come down…asked J. what happened and she said that 10 out of the 14 bottles of coke had LSD…I am glad I was one of the lucky ones (24-26).”
“…I’ve tried to convince myself that using LSD makes me a ‘dope addict’…but I’m so, so, so, so, so curious…can’t wait to try pot…have to see if it’s everything that it’s cracked up not to be! All the things I’ve heard about LSD were obviously written by uninformed, ignorant people like my parents…maybe pot is the same…[J. will] see [to it] that I get to try pot just once (27).”
“[B.] introduced me to torpedos on Friday and Speed on Sunday. They are both like riding shooting stars through the Milky Way, only a million, trillion times better. The Speed was a little scary at first because [B.] had to inject it right into my arm…I positively can’t wait to try it again…I felt great, free, abandoned, a different, improved, perfected specimen…It was beautiful (28).”
“I don’t know why I shouldn’t use drugs, because they’re wild and they’re beautiful and they’re wonderful (30).”
“B. had six kids over to his house…folks had gone to the city…[the kids] were all going to trip on acid…I might as well take one last trip too. …I don’t see how each trip can be better than the one before, but they are (31).”
“I am no longer a virgin! …I wonder if sex without acid could be so exciting, so wonderful, so indescribable. I always thought it just took a minute…like dogs mating…it took me a long time to get started on the trip…then suddenly it happened and I wanted to dance wildly and make love…[sex] turned out to be just part of the brilliant, freaky, way-out, forever pattern…I wonder if all the kids had sex…what if I’m pregnant?...I guess I’ll just have to have an abortion or something…Oh, God, please, please make me not pregnant (32).”
After using all of her grandfather’s sleeping pills, she then goes to see Dr. L.: “…he broke down and gave me the pills…I need the escape. It’s a wonderful way to escape…take a pill and wait for sweet nothingness to take over…nothingness is a lot better than somethingness (36).”
“I don’t think the sleeping pills Dr. L. gave me are as strong…I have to take two of these and sometimes even three…if something doesn’t happen soon I think I’m going to blow my brains out (36-37).”
[She goes to the doctor’s office and gets tranquilizers the day before.] “Tranquilizers are the greatest (37).”
She gets depressed and goes to talk to her friend C.: “…she gave me a little red candy type thing and told me to go home, take it and listen to some groovy music. She said ‘This heart will pep you up like tranquilizers slow you down,”…she was right! I don’t know why that dumb doctor didn’t give me something to make me feel better instead of something to make me feel worse. I’ve been feeling great all afternoon…like living again (40).”
“Dad and Mom are constantly harping…they are so ultra-conservative that they don’t even know what’s happening. C and I talk a lot about our parents…her dad is an executive…he travels a lot ‘often in the company of other women (40).”
She gets a job with C.: “…she is a really great girl…I suspect she knows a little about drugs, because she’s given me hearts a couple of times when I’ve been really low (41).”
“I’m still down at 103 pounds…every time I get hungry or tired I just pop a Benny (42).”
“I have to take Dexies to stay high at school and at work and dates and to do my homework, then I have to take tranquilizers to bear up at home. …C. and I are about ready to cut out. She has a friend in San Francisco…I finally smoked pot and it was even greater than I expected! C. fixed me up with a college friend of hers…knew I’d been on acid, etc., but who wanted to turn me on to hash. He told me not to expect to feel like I felt with liquor…R. showed me how to smoke…I took too deep a drag…R. told me to suck in openmouthed gulps…T. gave up and brought out a hookah pipe…the other three were obviously stoned…I really began to feel happy and free [when she got high].” She talks for a whole page about how great she felt: “Somewhere in my brain I remembered reading that a thousand years with man is as a day with the Lord…R. gave me some joints to smoke when I am alone (42-45).”
“I convinced R. that it would be easier to push acid than pot, at least we can put it on penny stamps or gum or lifesavers and carry them around…R. is so good, good, good to me and sex with him is like lightning and rainbows and springtime. I may be just chipping around with drugs but…I really love that man…I’m oversexed because I’ve been bugging him to let me try sex without being stoned…(45-46).”
“I am oversexed…I seem to be a lot more interested than [R.] is…I wish he’d let me take the pill (46).”
“C. and I just supply it [drugs] from R. He can get whatever is their bag, barbs or pot or amphetamines or LSD or DMT or meth or anything. …I sold ten stamps of LSD to a little kid at the grade school who was not even nine years old…he in turn must be pushing…(47).”
“C. and I walked into R. and T.’s [C.’s boyfriend] apartment to fine the bastards stoned and making love to each other. No wonder Richie Bitchie wanted so little to do…I am out peddling drugs for a …queer…I’ve sold to eleven and twelve year olds and even nine and ten year olds…that sonofabitch R. (47-48).”
She and her friend C. run away.
“I kept the one hundred and thirty dollars I was supposed to turn in to that bastard R. (49).”
“…everyone thinks both C. and I are eighteen…that’s all that matters…S. lives in the most fabulous apartment smelled it…C. was on the other side of the room…she had smelled it too…parts of my head were begging for it…one of the men passed me a joint…I wanted to be ripped, smashed, torn up as I had ever wanted anything…to be part of it! C. and I both used S.’s apartment for a crashpad…I’m a little worried about what actually happened…don’t know if we were smoking hash…hope I won’t have to go through this am-I-or-aren’t-I-until-next-month [wait and see if she is pregnant] bit again…I really am going to start taking the pill (56-57).”
“…my shitty, rotten, stinky, dreary fucked up life…only four of us and S. and R., her current ‘boyfriend,’ introduced us to heroin…they convinced us that the horror stories were just so many American myths…Smack is a great sensation…I was floating above reality…I saw S. and that cocksucker she goes with lighting up and setting out Speed…wondering why they were getting high…the dirty sonsofbitches had taken turns raping us and treating us sadistically and brutally…shit eaters…too goddamned high…I had condemned R. for being a frigging homo, but maybe I should give even that mother a break…the shit he was on everyday…he was out of control (58-59).”
“Oh damn, damn, damn…there isn’t even life without drugs…dissonant bare existence…I’m glad I’m back [on drugs]…I like uppers the best (72-73).”
“L. was hit last night…pushing too much to fast…those little teeny boppers…raided Chris’s house last night (74).”
“Mom called to T.[her brother] and told him to go with me…I ought to turn him on [to drugs]…I’ll surprise him with a trip on a piece of candy…went to the headshrinker’s, a fat ugly little man who doesn’t even have enough balls to lose weight…I almost recommended some amphetamines…cut his appetite and give him a blast…J. slipped me a couple of co-pilots in English…I’ll get high al by myself. I can hardly wait! …I am in Denver…I was high…hitch-hiked here…sharing a place with a couple of kids I met…got enough acid to keep us all stoned for the next two weeks…that’s all that counts…got a fucking head cold…if I only had an upper…hope I don’t lose the bloody goddamned paper towels in the center of some street [she started her period and has nothing to use]. ...my parents aren’t about to let me use acid and pot and I’m not about to give them up! …the bitchin’ rain has quit…D. has a whole can of pot so we’ll have joints for a long time…kind of stoned and everything seemed up even though my ass is still draggin…I love acid (76-79)!”
“Oh, to be stoned, to have someone tie me off and give me a shot of anything…heard paregoric is great. Oh hell, I wish I had enough anything to end the whole shitty mess…who the hell cares…goddamned rain is even worse…the whole sky is pissing on us…I need a fix so bad! I’ve got to get the hell out of here…D. had nothing but shit since she was ten…[her mom] had humped with who knows how many men in between…D. had just turned eleven her current stepfather started having sex with her but good, and the poor little stupid bastard…threatened to kill her if she ever told her mother or anyone else. So she put up with the sonofabitch balling her until she was twelve…he had hurt her pretty bad…told her gym teacher…put [her] into a juvenile home…even that wasn’t much better, because both the teenage brothers gave it to her and later on an older teenage girl tuned her in and turned her on drugs, then took her the homo route. Since then she’s pulled down her pants and hopped into bed with anyone who would turn down the covers, or part the bushes (80-82).”
“Who the hell cares? At last the goddamned rain has stopped! D. and I are both going to cut out of this asinine assed place…puke all over the shitty world. Most of the way down we rode with a big fat assed, baby screwing truck driver who picked us up and got his kicks by physically hurting D. and watching her cry. We finally got another ride with some of our kind and while they shared their grass with us it must have been some home grown stuff…so fuckin weak…The rally itself was great, acid and booze and pot as free as the air. This life is beautiful…so goddamned beautiful…Goddamned stupid people…a fat girl with long stringy blonde hair is getting to her knees…She’s got a guy with her…It’s beautiful to watch…Color and people intercoursing together (80-83).”
“I feel awfully bitched and pissed off at everybody. …now when I face a girl it’s like facing a boy…all excited and turned on. I want to screw with the girl, you know…I feel goddamned good in a way and goddamned bad in a way…I want one of the girls to kiss me…to touch me, to have her sleep under me…I feel like a man (83-84).”
“Another day, another blow job. If I don’t give Big Ass a blow he’ll cut off my supply. What a bastard world without drugs! The dirty ofay who wants me to lay it on him knows my ass is dragging…one good shot. Goddamn Big Ass makes me do it before he gives me the load…Little J. is yelling, ‘Mama, Daddy can’t come now. He’s humping C.’…this shit hole. I don’t know what the hell hour or day or even year it is, or even what town. I guess I’ve had a blackout or they’ve been passing some bad pills. The girl on the grass beside me is white-faced and Mona Lisa like and she’s preggers [pregnant]. I asked her what she was going to do with the baby and she just said, ‘It will belong to everybody. We’ll all share her.’ …I asked her for an upper and she just shook her head like a stupid, blank, and I realized that she’s completely burned out…a big dried-up bunch of ashes and she’s lying there like a stupid dumb shit…at least I’m not burned out and I’m not preg[nant]. Or maybe I am. I couldn’t take the goddamn pill even if I had it. No doper can take the pill because they don’t know what the hell day it is. There’s a pre-med drop out wandering around somewhere who will take care of it. Or maybe some goddamn prick would stomp on me during a freak out and I’d lose it…Or maybe the son-of-a-bomb will go off tomorrow…all the ass draggers…We get pissed off…we don’t know what to do unless some fat bastard tells us. God, I sound like a goddamn Establishmentarian, and I haven’t even got a pill to take the taste out of my mouth or drive the bull shit thoughts away (84-85).”
“…been reading a paper that the wind blew up beside me. It says one girl had her baby in the park, another had a miscarriage and two unidentified boys died during the night from O.D.’s. Oh, how I wish one of them had been me (86).”
She goes home, tries to clean up and has these thoughts: “…sitting on my bed planning my mother’s birthday…I thought I was in a head shop. We were all standing around reading the ads for the second hand junk and for every kind of sex deal imaginable…I was the highest person in the world…whole world was in strange angles and shadows…it all changed into some kind of underground move. Naked girls were dancing around, making love to statues. I remember one girl ran her tongue along a statue and he came alive and took her off into the high, blue grass…he was obviously putting it to her. I felt so sexy I wanted to break wide open and run after them…hope you have a nice orgasm with your dog tonight…I was lying on the floor nude. Maybe I’m schizo (93-94).”
“Everyone knows that sex and shit [drugs] go together (98).”
“…fucking Miss Polly Pure (110).”
“…'wonder what would happened if we stashed some shit in her old man’s car’…someone put a burning roach in my locker (113).”
“…a boy I don’t even know grabbed me…pushed me around to the back of the clump of bushes and kissed me…pushed his tongue into my mouth and he just kept rolling it around…he said that all I needed was a good fuck (117).”
“…worms are eating away my female parts first…almost entirely eaten away my vagina and my breasts and now they are working on my mouth and throat (123).”
She winds up in an institution because her friends accused her of trying to sell them LSD: “I asked B. if she wouldn’t rather talk in my room, she said we weren’t allowed to have sex in our rooms but we could manage it in the storeroom tomorrow…She thought I was trying to seduce her (133).”
“[B.] said she’s thirteen…had been on drugs for two years…had been introduced to drugs by some 32 year old man she met in a matinee movie…she found that it was very easy to meet other men. In fact at twelve she was already a baby prostitute (134).”
“Alice” gets out of the youth center. The epilogue:
“The subject of this book died three weeks after her decision not to keep another diary…Was it an accidental overdose? A premeditated overdose? No one knows, and in some ways that questions isn’t important (159).”